I quit

my novel, and substack

First off, I am quit my novel. I have been bashing my head against a wall for four years now and I am no closer to anything resembling something good, and I love so much, and I think I love it so much there’s just no way it’s ever going to be as good as I want it to, I don’t think I am smart enough to write this, or maybe I am not disciplined enough, or maybe I don’t have enough time or enough head space, it’s got to be one of those. I bundled all my drafts and notes together and there were at least 500 pages there, and I was still no closer to anything than I was when I started. Sometimes you just have to let go - which was kind of the theme of that book tbh.

I will go back to it one day, when I have some more time in my life and not too many jobs and no time and something that is, after eight long months, finally confirmed as not ‘the suicide disease’ but still seems intent on ruining my life in the medium term, it’s not thrown away, just in a drawer.

I am not quitting writing though, I am already working on something else, something easier for me to write at a time when writing hasn’t come easily, something I am making good progress on already, and something that might just give me ‘the other suicide disease’ lol.

Second off, I am quitting Substack! It sucks because I’ve really enjoyed writing these extremely sporadic missives. One of the reasons I’ve been so slack at posting lately is that I have really struggled to deal with this site and its platforming of Nazis, and the abhorrent views of its founders. I have thought about working even harder to amass a giant following on here and still never charge anyone money so I am actively costing them $$ but it still doesn’t sit right. The world and the people living on it are being eaten alive by rapacious tech oligarchs, and Substacks creators have made their intentions clear. The unyielding weight of capitalism means now basically the only moral choice we have left in our lives is … ‘should I buy this? should I see this/read this/listen to this? should I support this creator, download this app, what is the moral implication of driving to work, of catching the bus, of eating subway for lunch, etc. I think that is merely hanging a lampshade on something that is real. Purchasing power really does feel like the only power we have left. That, and violence. When 90% of the world’s current politicians are rotting in The Hague, maybe I will change my mind. I’m sure we will be underwater by then.

I will keep reading the Substacks of those writers I love and I have come to love via this service. I am not casting aspersions on anyone who chooses to publish on this platform. I am simply leaving its walled garden.

When I figure out where I am going, I will let you know, and then I will delete all of this.

it’s ephemeral, after all.

x